FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LOCAL BREWPUB LATEST IN AB-INBEV CRAFT BREWER BUYUPS
Cambridge, MA 1 April, 2010

AnheuserBusch-InBev, the world’s largest brewing conglomerate, today announced at a press conference that it has purchased one hundred percent of stock shares in the Cambridge Brewing Company (CBC) from founder, Phil Bannatyne. In announcing the takeover, AB-InBev Chief Financial Officer Luis Felipe Dutra said, “We are so proud to be able to further extend our family of brewers who are dedicated quality and integrity. We look forward to installing our highly trained brewmasters from our nearby plant in Merrimac, New Hampshire, and improving the drinkability of beers here, without diminishing the reputation CBC has made for itself in its twenty-one years of operation. Most consumers won’t notice any difference at all”

Mr. Bannatyne received an undisclosed amount in a single-sum payment from AB-InBev, and mentioned plans to relocate to Costa Rica, a lifelong dream. Said a gleeful Mr. Bannatyne, “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. Wow. It’s a shame we just painted the CBC van with cool flames and our ‘Proudly Independent’ logo. Oh well, it’s just a van.”

CBC Brewmaster Will Meyers and his staff are reportedly disconsolate, but could not be reached for comment regarding their dismissal. Rumors have it that the “Brew Crew,” as they call themselves, have barricaded themselves in the CBC Barrel Cellar, a room stacked with oak barrels containing, as Mr. Dutra put it, “…lots of spoiled, weird, sour beer. We look forward to removing these offending liquids and fully sterilizing the entire place. No one would ever drink those bizarre, sour concoctions. These people are dangerous.” Merrimac-based private security firm XE Services LLC, formerly known as the Blackwater Group, has been hired to remove the rebel brewers from their lair.

The Cambridge Brewing Company, founded in 1989, is the Boston area’s oldest brewery restaurant. Until recently it has specialized in local, sustainable New American cuisine and innovative, artisanally-crafted beers.

AnheuserBusch-InBev, based in Leuven, Belgium, is the largest global brewery with a portfolio of over 300 brands worldwide, all of which taste the same. Fnord.

For more information, please contact Lucy I. Fer, AB-InBev Director of Soulless Conglomerization, at 800-666-4355.

Fnord.